anniversary.
My father died 12 years ago today. I was 13 at the time, and he passed suddenly of a brain anneurysm. I won't go into it here, but today is kind of hard.
But I did something this morning that I'd never done before - I googled him...I figured there wouldn't be much, considering the lack of internet back in the early 90s, but I found something that I'd forgotten about...an annual award given out by his alma mater (Studio 58 Theatre School, Vancouver) in his honor.
EARL KLEIN MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP is for 4th, 5th or 6th term Theatre Arts students who demonstrates generosity with peers and a contribution to the ensemble, freedom of creative expression, interest in increasing knowledge in all aspects of theatre, commitment and determination, and financial need.
Reading this has made me think about the man I've become, and I'm forced to play the 'what if' game (which I normally hate)...what would he think of my life, goals, and achievments? Would I have done anything different? Would I be HERE, NOW? I wonder sometimes about the path my life would have taken if I hadn't made certain decisions and done certain things. When I turned 18, I received an insurance settlement that ended up paying for 2 trips to Europe, 5 years of university, 4 years of rent and then some...what would my life be like if that HADN'T happened?
I hate the 'what if' game because I'm afraid of my answers.
And in the same way, I'm also afraid of my grandparents. I don't call them ever, because I'm scared it will be the last time I do so. But, seeing as though today is the day I SHOULD, I did. I called my dad's mother, and she was delighted to hear from me, and I feel better having called her (first time since last summer, I think.)...but sad that it takes a day of emotional upheaval to give me the impetus to do it.
I don't know where this is going, or really what my point is.
I'm taking 2 of my sisters to the graveyard this afternoon.
Maybe I'll have a better sense of clarity tomorrow.
ciao, friends.
But I did something this morning that I'd never done before - I googled him...I figured there wouldn't be much, considering the lack of internet back in the early 90s, but I found something that I'd forgotten about...an annual award given out by his alma mater (Studio 58 Theatre School, Vancouver) in his honor.
EARL KLEIN MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP is for 4th, 5th or 6th term Theatre Arts students who demonstrates generosity with peers and a contribution to the ensemble, freedom of creative expression, interest in increasing knowledge in all aspects of theatre, commitment and determination, and financial need.
Reading this has made me think about the man I've become, and I'm forced to play the 'what if' game (which I normally hate)...what would he think of my life, goals, and achievments? Would I have done anything different? Would I be HERE, NOW? I wonder sometimes about the path my life would have taken if I hadn't made certain decisions and done certain things. When I turned 18, I received an insurance settlement that ended up paying for 2 trips to Europe, 5 years of university, 4 years of rent and then some...what would my life be like if that HADN'T happened?
I hate the 'what if' game because I'm afraid of my answers.
And in the same way, I'm also afraid of my grandparents. I don't call them ever, because I'm scared it will be the last time I do so. But, seeing as though today is the day I SHOULD, I did. I called my dad's mother, and she was delighted to hear from me, and I feel better having called her (first time since last summer, I think.)...but sad that it takes a day of emotional upheaval to give me the impetus to do it.
I don't know where this is going, or really what my point is.
I'm taking 2 of my sisters to the graveyard this afternoon.
Maybe I'll have a better sense of clarity tomorrow.
ciao, friends.
posted by Eli at 9:35 AM
3 Comments:
dark anniversaries are hard. and by dark ones, i mean those that mark really difficult or intense or painful (or all of the above) times in our lives. i have a few of my own, and they're never easy.
the what if game is never a fun one to play either. but i bet that if your dad was around, he'd be pretty damn impressed with the fine upstanding fellow you've become. smart, creative, kind, dedicated, caring. hang in there mister, and don't be too hard on yourself. you're doing good. xoxox.
You make me cry sometimes.
today was one of those times.
thank you for that.
k
Eli, it looks like your dad was an amazing man, and I think you fall into this category as well. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, but know that it is such things that build character and strength in an individual. I hope you know that you are constructing yourself very well.
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